A sarcastic look at some of our finest crappy films

Thursday, April 14, 2005


I can’t lie, this movie is one of my all time favorite guilty pleasures. D.B. Sweeney is just WAY too cute in it. I can’t even begin to imagine how laid D.B. got after this flick came out, because I totally would have done him if I hadn’t been like twelve at the time. Because he’s about the best romantic lead in a crappy film EVER. (And he played a fucking figure skater, for God’s sake – which doesn’t exactly scream ‘stud heartthrob’. But he sold it, man.) The fact that he never did another one only shows how often Hollywood misses the boat.

D.B. plays tough guy hockey player Doug Dorsey, who’s lifelong sports hero dreams are seemingly dashed after an eye injury. No hockey team wants to recruit a guy that can’t see! After significant brooding and fate bemoaning, he gets an offer to partner a figure skater bound for the Olympics. (Because obviously in Olympic figure skating, seeing isn’t that big a deal – it’s much less stringent than say, HOCKEY. Jesus.) Being the bad macho stereotype he is, D.B. isn’t exactly jumping at the figure skating gig. He does agree to meet the skater, Kate Mosely, who turns out to be a rich, spoiled brat who hates hockey and finds him repellant – because uptight rich girls just never go for the really hot poor guys. That’s preposterous! D.B. takes the gig anyway, because it’s in the script, and Kate gets her rocks off watching him struggle. Seriously, he’s got no training and a bum eye and he’s going to the Olympics? I’m thinking they might have found a more competent skater hanging around in front of Target.

Luckily there’s an endless supply of sarcastic ‘we hate each other but we’re just destined to fall in love’ zingers to keep our minds off the fact that neither of them are doing the actual skating. Oh, they get a few good shots of their faces while they’re doing easy stuff - like going straight - then suddenly D.B. loses fifteen pounds and Kate grows four inches before they go into that fancy spin. (It’s not as obvious or laughable as say, ‘Center Stage’ – where the only time you saw any of the actresses dancing they were just shown from the chest up. Hilarious.)

Their coach is a burly Russian guy who yells adverbs at them a lot (“Faster!”, “Higher!”), but is really just a vodka swilling teddy bear. (You don’t actually see him swilling vodka, but since everyone else in this movie is a stereotype I figure he’s just a cut scene away from wearing a babushka and doing that folded arm kick dance.) Kate’s overbearing father is played by Locke from ‘Lost’ – who will always be ‘The Stepfather’ to me, and I keep expecting him to smash her face in with a phone receiver. Kate also has a rich, boring fiancée with one of those snob names like Blake or Clay, who in one scene enters in pajamas and complains because they’re playing loud music and ‘it’s after midnight!’ He’s just a wild man, that Blake or Clay. There’s no way the really hot poor guy could steal her away from him! No, siree.

D.B. and Kate get to the nationals and (by default) make the Olympic team. Kate has already dumped Blake or Clay because she realized she’s in her early twenties and he’s beyond boring - so she and D.B. get drunk on Tequila shots and go dancing. Kate has major dance confidence. She shouldn’t. Back at the hotel, Kate makes a pass at D.B. but he’s too in love with her to take her up on it. So he screws some slag redhead instead. Seriously, this chick looks 48. Kate finds out, of course, and Drama!

The Russian coach decides they need to do a special routine he designed (while drinking all that vodka), which is guaranteed to knock the Olympic judges on their asses. It involves D.B. swinging Kate around by her feet until he can chuck her high enough to flip her and then catch her. Don’t try this at home. Why? Because it’s fucking impossible! Someone would totally die. It’s like the Triple Lindy from ‘Back To School’. They never actually show them doing it - because they CAN’T! It’s humanly and physically impossible dammit! Not to mention D.B. has that fucked up eye and no real training so in reality Kate would be ice pizza in no time. Not that this film is in any way a serious portrayal of the figure skating world, but pigs flying is more plausible than this shit. Okay, let’s move on.

They get to the Olympics and blow their short program, getting really low scores. Kate then wisely refuses to do the impossible routine. This brings on a big fight and Kate finally realizes that she’s an unbearable bitch from Hell and sad music plays. Blah, blah, blah – D.B. Sweeney is really cute. The night of the long program, D.B. finally breaks down and tells Kate he loves her and in return she agrees to do the impossible routine. Which they don’t show. Because they CAN’T! DAMMIT! But the judges reaction shots are hilarious and D.B. Sweeney is really cute. Since Kate isn’t dead or anything, you just assume they did it right and won the Gold medal, so all that’s left is the big kiss finale. Which we get as the crowd cheers. Ah, totally unrealistic love – ain’t it grand?


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